surviving Christmas

I survived Christmas.  

I more than survived - I made the most of my first Christmas without Brayden.   I enjoyed my first Christmas with John.  

We woke early on Christmas - but laid around in the quiet.  I was suddenly struck by horror - I had forgotten my camera at his Grandma's house...  oh no!  John being the wonderful man that he is, thought it was just important to have...  not just blurry camera phone pictures - so, he went and got it, for us.  I stayed in bed and sipped on my coffee.  

It was different then the past 3 years - but, it was very pleasant.  We made our own fun - silly. goofy. lazy. All before the running around began from one family to the next.  

Here is a a glimpse of us more than surviving Christmas, but loving it. 

John LOVES Kentucky Wildcats - I bought us tickets to go to a game - he bought me Kentucky shirts...  not sure if they are really for me...  or for him!  (My Mom is a Duke fan and is NOT happy about this)!

I love clothes - John loves sports.  Our gifts received from the other defiantly reflect this theme!

Our other little roommates enjoyed Christmas at home with us too! Jojo is just like a kid - she doesn't care about any real gifts - she is perfectly content with a box and tissue paper. 

 

Brayden's Dad sent me a lot of pictures.  Cookies for Santa.  Food for the reindeer.  Lots of gifts under the tree.  He was beyond excited.  Beyond happy.  And, although my heart literally aches - I smile with tears because I know he is having so much fun - and, he is so loved.  It doesn't always seem fair - but, he is happy and that is really all that matters. 

Here he is at the end of his Virginia Christmas....  clearly he had no fun at all! ; )

I am still counting down...  3 more days...   

I hope you all enjoyed a wonderful and safe holiday as well! 

invest in love and happiness

Everyone deserves a day or two to disappear.  A day or two to sulk.  A day or two to feel sorry for yourself.  Life isn't always easy and at times it is hard to hold everything together.  Life these days are busy and full - and that can be a great thing - but, sometimes it is overwhelming too.  So, we should allow ourselves a small breakdown, and not feel bad about it.  Then, we need to get back up, wipe away the tears, brush it off and charge on. 

Last night after work, I walked in the door, dropped my bags, grabbed the cat and went directly up to bed.  And there, I sat for 3 hours.  Doing nothing.  I had no more tears.  I stared blankly at the TV and watched useless, yet very interesting shows.  I like the history channel - I  learned about JFK, the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Cold War, and the Berlin Wall.  Many details that I embarrassingly enough to admit, knew very little about.  I learned about JFK's contributions to our country and the world.  I listened about the Bermuda Triangle and the theories of it's destruction.  I watched a current day mummification - I thought that was cool (I am a science geek too).  

The world continues to spin even through my breakdowns.  So, at 9 o'clock I decided to shower and let it all go.  And I did.  Today is new.  

Us on Wednesday - home sickI reflect on my mood and behavior yesterday and I fight with the anger the wells up.   Having a split family is really hard.  It is harder then I could have ever imagined.  It is hard on both parents, from different angles - for different reasons.  None of which I am going to go into details on here - if you live it, you already know - and if you don't, you are lucky.  But, don't think I down play the efforts it takes to run a family unit, together.  It is really hard.  I commend all families of all types that do the day in and day out.  

It is the every day things that we don't see.  We loose touch with the significance and the beauty that is in a sleeping child, the laughter and love they show in the smallest way, and how quickly they learn and grow.  Someday, they will be us.  Us.  Our actions.  Our words.  Our outlook.  I pray that Brayden is different than me.  I pray that he is better than me.  I hope he exudes patience and optimism.  I hope he gives his time and talent and never expects anything in return.  But, in many ways, I pray he is just like me.  I pray he finds a passion and follows it.  I pray that he waits to find a perfect love.  A love that is built on friendship and mutual respect.  I hope he has determination in life and pushes to succeed, especially through the failures.  Through the failing, you learn far more lessons then succeeding. Failing keeps you pushing.  Keeps you driving.  Keeps the hunger for success alive.  If you always succeeded, what would you have left to do?  I hope he invests in love and happiness.  For him to do these things, I have to be the example.  I have to invest in love and happiness.  We all should. 

I haven't written much about my ongoing relationship with God and Church.  But, I am doing it - not perfect - but, I am better then I was a year ago.  I assume a year from now, I will be better then I am now.  A sermon the other Sunday still rings in my ears.  Treat everyone as you  want to be treated.  Invest in loving and respecting others, and they too will invest in loving and respecting others.  I am a work in progress.  I was very rude to a customer service person the other day - it wasn't his fault my order was wrong.  I have no excuse for being rude or impatient.  I don't want Brayden to pick those traits up from me.  I need to be better - little eyes are watching.  He is always watching and learning from me.  And, others do the same.  Love, Respect, Happiness resounds with everyone - doing onto them, will do onto others.  

So, as the new year approaches, I will begin my list.  It's a great time to reflect on the person I want to be and the example Brayden deserves.  Investing in love and happiness for him, for me, for everyone. 

no silver lining today

It started a few days ago - well, it actually started months ago.  Dreading the Christmas holiday.  How will I do it?  How will I function?  How will I celebrate this wonderful time of year when I feel absolute solitude?  How do I not ruin this for John, for us?  How do I make it be ok?

I was making plans with my family about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day...  Me?  No plans really.  No cookies or milk to set out for Santa, no reindeer food for his helpers.  I don't have any reason to wake up early.  No rush out of bed. No child excitement for the visitor that filled the stockings and ate all the cookies.  The only evidence of his visit are crumbs and gifts. Christmas morning will be quiet.  Too quiet.   

Today is bad.  Brayden leaves tomorrow.   Yesterday we were both home sick.  It was nice to be together even though we didn't feel well.   But, every time he acted out, and I got mad - I got extra mad at both of us.  Why are you (he or me) ruining our last day together?  Then, guilt today for not making more of yesterday.  I am angry.  I am sad.  All I can do is cry.

We have an early trip to the airport.  I get to drive them.  I talk to Brayden about all of the Christmas excitement - flying on the airplane  (he continues to call it a rocketship - and says he and Daddy are astronauts).  We talk about Santa coming to Grammy's house and seeing his cousins.  We talk about all of the fun he is going to have - and I say it with convincing enthusiasm.  And, I am happy for him.  I want him to have that time with his Dad and his Virginia family and friends.  It is a HUGE part of his life.  I am happy he has it.  But, I still feel bad for me.  I feel bad for us.  I feel bad that he is split.  And then, the knife to my heart when he says "Mommy is sad?"  And, he does it with true hurt feelings and concern.  I try my best not to cry.  I fight the tears.  Sometimes the tears win.  I say "yes, Mommy will miss you, but you are going to have so much fun!  I want you to have so much fun!"

I bought him one of those recordable Hallmark books.  You know, the one you record while reading the book.  The one I got is about why Rudolph is the most famous reindeer.   I gave it to Brayden last night - I want him to take it with him.  That way, we can still read books together even when we aren't together. We read it last night - 4 times.   I added extra words at the end of the book.  I say something like, "Merry Christmas Brayden! Mommy loves you and misses you so much!"  Every time he heard that part, he would cry.  And then, I would cry. Times 4.  

Typically, I like to have ' the silver lining' when I write.  It helps keep me positive.  Today is not one of those days.  I know there are plenty of 'silver linings' in this situation and in life in general.  But, somedays - the silver linings don't mean anything.  Somedays, it is the last thing you want to hear.  Somedays, crying is needed.  I pray for the end of the day, for bedtime. So I can sleep away the sadness.  I will look for the silver lining tomorrow. 

they come and they go

Since I have moved back to Illinois, I have had to face a few obstacles, challenges, and changes.  Well, not just 'I', but 'we'.  Brayden and I have done this together.  Outside of the everyday hustle and bustle I am typically a pretty optimistic person.  However, I have been struggling more recently.  Maybe it is just the holiday slump, or maybe it is just part of the peaks and valleys we go through in life.  

Last Saturday I had a little break down.  I had a self pity party that lasted the entire day.  I have a problem letting things in my life overcome my mood.  I don't think I could count the number of times I have spoiled joy for myself because I was too busy dreading something else that is out of my hands. Too many, I guarantee. 

I always turn to my Mom.  I find that to be a reoccuring theme in my life.  My Mom always makes me feel better.  She can't fix it (even though I am sure inside she wishes she could).  I vent.  I complain.  I let it all out in one very long winded rant.  I whisper so others in the house won't hear that I am falling apart.  Mom just listens.  She always just listens.  And then, in the moment when I stop to catch my breath, she looks at me to be sure I am done, then she says, "This is just life, Megan.  Being mad is habit.  You have to just decide to let go and be happy."

I knew she was right.  And throughout the rest of the day, I fluctuated between happy and mad.  Happy when things were going right...  and then when the littlest thing would happen, a tantrum from Brayden or misdirections to our destination would put me right back. On top of it, I would get mad at myself for ruining a perfectly beautiful day.  You see,  Brayden will be leaving me again in a few short weeks.  He is spending Christmas in Virginia. Ten days. 10 long days.  I am struggling.  I keep trying to just tell myself that it is just another day.  We can recreate it when he gets home.  And, we will.  But, I know the struggle that is approaching - or possibly the one that is already here.  It is the everyday that I have difficulty getting through when Brayden is gone.  I just got him back.  I will only have 2 weekends with him and he will leave again.  Then add Christmas to it...  ugh.   I lost Saturday for no reason at all, except I was already letting myself be miserable - and he hasn't even left me yet. I won't ever get that Saturday back.  

I know the hard times - they come and they go.  I am more familiar with the pattern then I care to be.  But, that is life.  I continue to reflect on all that we have been through in these few short years.  I stay stuck in the tough times instead of rejoicing in the everyday that is perfectly normal. Perfectly wonderful.  It is a pattern of behavior;  Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I need to stop that.  I need to stop expecting people to let me down, waiting for them to prove me right.  That's what I have learned.  People will let me down.  Those people, they will come and they will go.  The good ones stay.  They support me.  They encourage me.  Even if they sometimes disagree with me - we have an appreciation for each other's point of view, no matter how different.  I have a few select friends that hold this definition and of course my family, and John.  Brayden and I have been and will always be that to each other, just like my mom is to me. 

Sunday morning came - sun shining.  I took Mom's advise.  I wanted our day together to be as beautiful as it was outside.  Sunny and warm - completely beautiful.  So we did - and it was just that beautiful.  

We visited Santa at Pete's Train during the Holiday of Lights.  We went to the Indian Creek Christmas Tree Farm to cut down our tree.  It was 60 and sunny!  This is my kind of winter!  We went home and got to work on decorating.  We even squeezed in some family portrait time :) I can't wait to share them!  

From Sunday came Monday - and I was off work! :)  Brayden and I had a wonderful day.  Nothing special but just time together was really nice.  

The tough times, they will come and they will go.  The good ones, they last forever.  Here is a glimpse of some the lasting ones :)

Pete's Train and Meeting Santa:

Cutting down the Christmas Tree:

In search of the perfect tree  :)

Found it! 

Sneak Peak of family pictures! (I may be biased, but seriously...  could he be any cuter?)

So much to be happy for :)

post party wrap-up

We had a 2 day event for Brayden's 3rd Birthday.  And, we had a blast! 

We celebrated Brayden's and his cousin Mason's birthday by going to Bounce Town - which, of course, is a great way to let the littles be absolutely nuts and run around like maniacs!  Aunt Mallory and Uncle Chris bought special dinosaur hats and masks - Brayden loved it!  It was the start to a great weekend. 

That night, B, John, and I did presents and cake.  Every single gift was dinosaur related! 

Saturday was the birthday bash!  For me, it is a big deal - I don't do party planning very well...  and, I defiantly do not cook, especially for a large group of people.  But, I have to say, there were a lot of compliments - and the house was trashed, representative of 10 kids having a lot of fun :) 

Especially, this big 3 year old! 

 

Unfortunately, Sunday came and I had to send Brayden off to Virginia, again.  I keep waiting for the time when it will get easier.  But, I don't think it ever will.  Today is day number 3 without him and I am still in my mopey phase.  Alittle paralyzed not knowing what to do without him around.  And, I do the typical torture - watch videos and cry - my whole heart aching.  I typically revert to laying in bed.  Dinner, in bed.  Editing, in bed.  TV, in bed.  And, that is what I did last night.  And, this morning, that is where I wanted to stay.  In a few more days this phase will pass, and I will grow excited for his return.  Cleaning, organizing, and waiting to see the truck pull up so I can kiss those perfect little lips again - the count down begins: 5 more days...

who are you? {Happy 3rd Birthday Brayden}!

"Hello Baby! Who are you?"  "Are you a monkey with clever toes?  Perhaps your a porcupine, twitching its nose" 

Hello Baby, a book by Mim Fox, I received as a gift from a former co-worker after Brayden was born.  It's an adorable book, Brayden and I still read it on a weekly basis - we both have it memorized.  We have lots of favorite books - and reading before bedtime is one of our oldest, and most favorite traditions.  I have been reading to him since he was just a little guy.  I would be feeding him and rocking him to sleep - while reading some of my favorites.  These favorites were children books really written to make moms cry.  A few that come to mind are, "Hold you a little longer" and "Mommies Best Kisses".  I can barely get through the first page without tears streaming.  

These beautifully written books make me think constantly about the little man that is growing up right in front of my eyes.  They help me to acknowledge - and try to force me to accept - he will not stay this little.  There will inevitably come a day when he will no longer snuggle with me and let me read stories to him.  Or let me play with him in the tub, or need me to kiss away the boo-boos.  Someday, I will be the embarrassing Mom that he doesn't want to be around.  And, I will wait until that phase turns and he will come back to trust me as a parent and a friend.  For now, Every night I will relish in our simplest and purest tradition - bath time.  snuggle time.  reading time.  our time. 

Here we are.  Three years in the making.  

Who are you, Brayden?

You come from 2 parents with very strong personalities.  We are both very proud of who we are, where we come from, and the little man we are raising.  Through everything, We love you.  

You were born on November 16th, 2009 at 7:21 pm at Northside Atlanta Hospital after 12 hours of labor - all 8 pounds and 10 ounces of you!  You had big dark eyes, dark hair, big hands and feet - my lips, your dad's ears. It was the most incredible moment in my life.  I can still picture it as if it were yesterday.  I will forever live with joy of that day.    From that moment on, I was a new person, better - just because I was your mom.  My life's meaning changed.  

From that day, you have been developing your own self.  You have traits from both your dad and I, gentle and kind - and, a little stubborn too.   You are loving.  You are smart.  You are handsome.  Your eyes and smile make me melt, daily. You never stop running.  You love, love, love dinosaurs.  You love sweets and would pass up a burger any day for a cookie (just like your mom).  You love bath time, still - but, I have to beg to let me wash your hair.  You love your family - all of them - with your whole heart, even though you are still working on how to share toys with your cousins.  You have a strong presence where ever you go.  You draw people to you like a magnet.  Somedays, when you and I aren't seeing eye to eye - a strangers adoring gaze or kind comment about 'it goes too fast - love them little while you can' often helps me to step back and in fact, love you while you are little.  I forget sometimes that you are still learning.  Still growing.  Still feeling out your boundaries.  And, more lately - you have decided you enjoy pushing those boundaries - just to see how far you can get.  I would say you are just a typical 3 year old - but, I also know you may have inherited those traits too...  from which parent is actually hard to tell! 

So Brayden, Here you are, on your 3rd Birthday.   We have come along way in this short time.  We have traveled many roads together, and there will be many more to come.  Just know that no matter what, my hand, shoulder, ear, heart (and pocket book) is always here for what ever you may need.

I will love you.

I know through the years you will learn many life lessons.  Some you will learn from those that love you most.  You will follow our examples.  And others, you will learn by doing - and, in the doing - things may not always come out as you envisioned in your mind.  But, you will learn, much like I have, through living.  

Always, always, always, reach higher and further then you can ever see.  You can do anything.  And if someone says you can't, work even harder, stronger, longer.  Preserverance goes a long way.  Be happy and light hearted.  Life doesn't need to be so serious.  Play - no matter how old you are, make time for fun.  Stay focused.  Work hard and love harder.  Life pays off as long as you life it.

Be honest and faithful in all relationships, including the one with God. Give gratitude everyday, for everyday is a blessing.  

You are my blessing - and everyday, especially on your birthday, I give thanks for you. 

To our Little Man, Little Buddy, Little Hawk, Little Mister, Snickerdoodle, Snugglebug, Bubba, NeNe...

Brayden Scott Hawkins - Happy 3rd Birthday! We all love you!

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{denim and boots}

Who could resist this cutie in denim and boots?!  How adorable is he?  And, would you look at those big brown eyes!!??

I love this part of my life - taking pictures.  Little Nolan is cousins to my post about little butt cheekers.  We all got to hang out again at the farm for his session.  I had just as much fun as the kids did!  

I took a little longer than normal to get his pictures edited.  His family got concerned that there wasn't any of him smiling - or potentially pictures of real tangible quality.  Defiantly not the case! Check him out below! 

Little Nolan is 3.  And, as my soft spot for little boys should have it - he reminded me of Brayden.  Brayden isn't 3 yet - but, it is quickly approaching.  Nolan gave me a flash forward of what to expect.  He was excited, yet calmer.  He followed directions beautifully.  And, he was able to hold up his 3 fingers...  Brayden and I are still working on that :) He made me appreciate the 2 year old that Brayden still is - because Nolan was 3: more grown up.  Something that is very hard for me to picture Brayden as...  He is still my baby :) I suppose Brayden will 'grow up' too and I won't even notice the transition.  It makes me a little sad, but excited too.  

unpacking my bags

I read somewhere (probably on pinterest):

“Everyone you meet comes with baggage; find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.” Unknown

I joke about my baggage...  maybe I warn.  It allows me the opportunity to say 'I told you so', when life gets a little tough.  I have always tried to be very forthcoming about the challenges that I tote around with me.  Some of my baggage is perfectly cute. Seriously.  He is an almost 3 year old heart melter.  He doesn't do it to just me.  He melts hearts on the street, grocery store, gas station -  total strangers adore him.  He is so easy to love - and truly, I don't even consider him 'baggage'.  He is my life.  He is my everything.  I think that is where the challenge comes in.  Young (and by 'young' I mean new) relationships are supposed to be fun and relaxing and adventurous - spontaneous.  But, kids require routine and schedules - but, they also embody fun too (some times).  That aspect of dating is difficult.  There are far more rules when dating with children involved.  Entering into a relationship knowing that the love a parent feels for their child is unmatched.  It can't be copied, imitated, or duplicated (except by other children).  Someone entering into this life with me, has to have an understanding and respect that this love between a parent and child comes first, bar none.  I was so guarded about this practice, I made it difficult for someone to really come into this precious life that is "Megan and Brayden".  I really wondered if I had enough room to share it with someone else.  I spent many nights, the happy and the frustrating telling myself that this is just how it will be - just me and B.   Along with that thinking came a sense of peace.  Comfort, knowing the familiar.  It isn't always easy - but it is our normal.   I wrote about this 'singleness' in a previous post, single mom smiling.

Underneath my wonderful little life, I am a self proclaimed relationship challenge - Hard to love, comes to mind.   I am very particular about how and when things are done.  I like my towels folded a certain way.  I hate rhythmic noises during silence - it is like nails on a chalkboard.  I am short fused, and have a tongue that can strike - not mean, but to the point. I am stubborn and impossible to talk to when I am mad.  I require a minimum of 5 minutes defusing time - after that I am actually quite reasonable.  I have a memory like an elephant - I don't 'foget' things, and I bring them back to the surface during just the right occasion.  I require coffee in the morning to function.  And, I am a hoarder of all things old.

My heart has struggled with finding direction,  like wind required to sail.  But, when the wind and sail meet, a beautiful adventure can begin.  That's what this post is about.

It's about finding direction.

It's about finding happiness.

respect. love. gratitude. faith. sharing. growing. listening. believing. planning. learning. dreaming. 

living & loving.

It's about finding that person.  That one person,  from all that walk this planet, and sharing the rest of our lives together.

 I found him.  Mr. Just Right for Me.  The wind in my sail.  He was here all of my life.  

All.  My.  Life.

right here.  

John and I joke about all of the times we crossed paths, literally.  We would walk by one another, both to shy to say anything, to wave, to glance - curious, but not brave enough to be the first to make the acknowledgement of the other.  We were more comfortable with the updates from afar.  Annually, our Mom's go to lunch.  They come back with the update from the past year, and plans for the next.  Some ups, some downs in both of our lives.  The coincidences, similarities of each other is almost laughable.  My Mom would point out things we had in common.  Then, she would say, " Would you ever..." I would stop her before she could finish, "No Mom.  He is too shy."  And, that is where it would end, until, of course, next years lunch.  The story of how I changed my direction and we went out on our first date is perfect and adorable - and, I will save it for a later post.

Steve Jobs once said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.”  So, here we are, both 30 (he is, I am still 29 for a few more months).  Time is interesting.  We know that at any other point in our lives we wouldn't have worked.  We were meant to find each other at this exact moment in our lives.  The dots connected just as they should. We laugh about how happy we are.  Really laugh.  We can't hardly believe that life has given us something so beautiful.  Really beautiful.  It isn't perfect - but it is just how it is supposed to be: love, respect, and lots of laughing.  Outside of having Brayden, I realize what true happiness feels like.  Complete happiness that is without excuses.  Without exceptions.   Not a fairytale, but absolutely the life that I dreamed about finding.  We are learning a balance - and he predicts my moves.  He appreciates the challenges that I come with, he comes with his own - and I love him for those too.  

John has a lot of friends.  The same ones from grade school.  They all have each other's backs.  That is one very clear and strong trait of John's - he is a great friend.  And, he has shown me time and time again - he will be that to me.  I will be that to him. We are best friends. 

Here he was.  All my life. 

(my first Bears game)

I was congratulated by a friend the other day.  And, I was explaining all of the wedding details.  Which is surprising to me - I am not one of those.  I don't want the big fancy wedding.  And, I still don't. A cute little country wedding will do just fine for me.  More than the wedding, I am excited for the roots, as I explained to her.  To finally feel like my life isn't in a constant state of flux.  We have that together, the 3 of us.  We have started this foundation where we will build a life.  So, I am unpacking - We are unpacking, together. 

three grand essentials

Joseph Addison wrote:

 "three grand essentials to happiness in this life are

something to do,

something to love,

and something to hope for."

I have them all, and then some :)

a mother's love

‎"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."  ~ Agatha Christie

The truth about being a mom:

I love it more than anything in the world.  But, I sometimes struggle. I may, on occasion,  make up fake truths or tell partial ones to get the easy way out. Or, I embellish actions to prove significance, ... or maybe just to make a point.   I say or do things like:

"Boys have a penis.  Girls have babies"  I can't bare to say the 'v' word.  Someday, but not yet.  I don't know what I will say if I ever have a daughter.

When in doubt, I cry. Well, I pretend -   If you are being too rough or if you refuse to listen - I cry, obnoxiously.  You only care about 50% of the time.

"These cool shoes will make you as fast as Lighting McQueen!"  Last week it was my final attempt to persuade you to wear your new tennis shoes.  When it worked, you took off running and charging, just like Lighting McQueen.  I make a mental note to go straight for the favorite hero or animal for whatever particular phase you are in.  It keeps us both from nearly tears. 

"If you eat this watermelon, I will give you a cupcake"

"Ohh, you wanted a monster pancake, not a dinosaur pancake? Well. That's what this is! It's a monster.  Seriously - look at his crazy hair.  No, those are not dinosaur spikes, it is crazy monster hair!" 

I love it when you show me your muscles and tell me what a big, strong boy you are.  I smile proudly, but ache silently.  I am so blessed for a healthy child, time and God keep you growing and I love it.  But, I really wish I could hold onto this version of you.  Your innocence.  Your smile.  Your inquisitive mind.  Your smallness.  The way your hand fits in mine.  I love you growing, but I miss you little too. 

I wanted the all American family, you know, like the Cleavers.  I have cried to myself at night.  I have cried to friends.  I just want to do it right.  They say their due diligence and tell me what a good mom I am.  And my response is always the same, "I can do better.  I should be better. " 

We should eat healthier.

We should play outside more.

We should do more educational learning.

You should be potty trained by now.

You should sleep in your own bed.

I should be more patient.

The truth is, as hard as I am on myself, I know we are doing just fine.  Not based on unrealistic standards but because we have fun.  

I know because we love to read books.  You laugh that incredible child laugh when I do the animal sounds.   I act like a complete nut and you love it.  

I am conflicted about you sleeping in your own bed, because I love the way you snuggle.  And, even though I am horribly sleep deprived, I love that I get a sliver of the bed because you are sleeping sideways and your feet are sticking in my ribs.   I love to kiss your cheeks and neck to wake you up in the morning.  I love it when you smile with your eyes still closed.  

I love that you are learning respect of yourself and to have respect for others. 

I love that you are so sweet and you say things like "I just love it so much", "I just love you so much", and "Mommy has so beautiful eyes"

I know not because of my good intentions that sometimes fall short, but I know because I am your Mom and I love you.  I know because you love me.  

A mother's love is unmatched by any other. 

It goes too fast

My favorite memories of all vacations involve very little.  Usually a few meager items: bucket and shovel, towel, book, camera and a few snacks.  I have always enjoyed our family vacations to Michigan.  But, now that I have Brayden, the experience is completely different.  It isn't just about relaxing and building sand castles - we are building memories.  I snap as many pictures as I can, fearful that Brayden is still too young to remember these moments.    I can still hear it, the lingering laughter from the fun of that day.  I can still feel it.  I will live forever in those moments.  

I caught myself in the middle of this day doing two things that I haven't had the opportunity to do in a very long time.  I read a book.  A really great one.  I am going to blog about it ; )  And, I wore a bikini.  Both of which, I experienced guilt about.  A bikini isn't as becoming on me as it was prepregnancy (pre sixty pounds of skin stretching).  I realized as I was absolutely relaxing reading my book - that there were lots of kids running around.  Big kids.  Teenagers.  Mom's and Dad's were relaxing reading their books and magazines.  

John and Brayden were laughing so loud sitting amongst the waves I could practically hear their laughter over the crashing.  I realized, the day will come when I can read a book on the beach, but this isn't that day.   I decided to put down my book and join them, bikini and all.  

I was amazed at the on-lookers.  They too were reliving the moments from their little ones - watching us was taking them back in time.  They laughed right along with us as Brayden and I laughed and chased each other around the beach; running in and through the oncoming waves.  I saw Mom's in beach chairs, with teenage daughters sitting at their side.  It was evidence of the evolution of a relationship.   More than mom and daughter, but mom and friend.  There was another lady that was alone.  I guessed she was in her late 50's.  She stood and watched us for a long time.  Just stood there and smiled.  I can only imagine her feelings.  I could almost hear her thoughts.  She was silently telling me to hold onto this.  Hold onto him.  Don't let him grow.  Appreciate everything - It goes too fast.  She was telling me that she is evidence of time going too fast.  

Before long, I will be the 50's+ lady in the one piece suit and big brimmed sun hat watching another young mother chase her little man, her pride and joy - and I will be silently telling her, don't let him grow - it goes too fast.  

I was having a blast with Brayden, completely forgetting about the bikini discomforts through the laughing and playing.  I loved the onlookers too.   They were as much part of the experience, we all shared in the laughter.  Through their constant gaze and smiles was the reminder to me to be present in this day.

And what a day it was :)   

living my fairy tale

I think I keep repeating myself...  I AM SO BUSY!!  I am smiling though, most of the time ;) 

I feel like my mind is so cluttered with a world wind of thoughts, ideas, and of course, worry.  I have so many exciting happenings coming up that I can hardly contain myself:

• We have two weddings coming up.  Our real 'firsts' with Life, Love & Lemons!  The excitement is unexplainable (mixed with some nervousness too).  I am researching constantly - making sure I don't miss a thing.  I want every detail covered.  
• I am behind in some marketing and even further behind on my furniture painting.  A long to do list, that grows daily. 
• I have been investigating a studio.  That just about takes my breath away with anticipation (mixed with some nervousness too).  I dream about what it will look like - how to set it up and how to stay ontop of everyday life, without being consumed by something that is more than a business, but a passion.  
• I have session bookings through October - that keeps me smiling - and gives me an excuse to shop for new props!!  I love that! I still have available slots!  Book your sessions today! ;)

During my daydreaming - these are the many things I am obsessing about.  Quietly cultivating an action plan for my growing dream.  I have  scattered thoughts of needed grocery items, laundry that needs to be done, ... and how badly my floors need to be vacuumed.  

And then there is Brayden, my little guy. With his big brown eyes and his new favorite phrase, "I want to snuggle Mama!"  All of the planning, coordinating, organizing, detailing - stops.  We color and pick books to read, he LOVES reading books.  And, I love reading to him.  His laughter and silliness calms my mind, and melts my heart.  

I have to continue reminding myself that all of this, all of the aspirations I have will happen, and I will make sure of it. But, I can't loose site of the really important stuff - snuggling and reading.  Someday, to soon, Brayden will have bigger dreams then just 'snuggling mama'.  I forget in the day to day while planning my next move that I am in the middle of the best part of my life, being Brayden's Mom.

"Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale" -unknown

take a back road

Growing up in a small town has both advantages and disadvantages.  One of my favorites is the security and peacefulness of being in the middle of no where, only corn and soybean fields as far as the eye can see.  In the winter it looks a little barren, but come spring, summer, and fall - it is bountiful and beautiful.

Along these back roads, there are a lot of stories - I am sure many of us could share ;) A lot of memories were made with friends.  They are frozen in time for us to go back and visit when we need a break from reality - and growing up.

We lived out in the country on a farm and Dad would like any excuse to go check out the crops or visit my Aunt and Uncle just down the gravel road.  While B and I were visiting the other day, Dad said, "lets go for a walk" - a common phrase heard often and met with some resistance as a pre-teen and teenager.  But, usually after a few minutes of walking - I enjoyed the time, of course I never wanted to admit while hanging out walk with the old folks that I was enjoying myself.  But, life changes you - it makes those small insignificant moments, significant - thankfully.   So, Me, B, Mom, Dad, and Aunt Zie all went for a stroll down the gravel road.  It made my heart smile.  I reminisced about my childhood and all of the fond memories walking with my family on many warm summer nights.  Brayden loved it :) He got some lessons on nature.  Grandma taught him about clovers - and how to pull them apart and suck the sweet out of the end.  He walked in Grandpa's corn field to measure the growth of the corn.  He ran and played and laughed - just as little boys should do.  No rules except 'don't wander too far'.  

  

To me, those moments define a childhood. It's how it should be.  Taking a back road in this small town, on a warm summer night with family and laughing - picking clovers, checking corn, and looking for bugs.

It doesn't get better than that.  

"Why???"

I know every parent experiences this phase of life as their children are growing up.  Every word in a 2/ 3 year olds vocabulary totally disappears and it is replaced with only one "why"?  I have had to explain more random rhymes and reasons then I really even know.  Don't get me wrong, I love an inquisitive mind - and, I am much like that still.  I need to know why and how for me to really learn.  So, I welcome the "why" - but I think there should be a cap.  A maximum of 5,...  or maybe less...  ;)

B and I are observers.  I point out everything with enthusiasm - and he will react with enthusiasm.  Bugs, birds, squirrels, dogs, clouds, sun, moon, tree, train, big truck...  ect.  He usually points and echoes me.  But now, it is "Why?".  Everything - is "why?"  Even after the explanation I give, he obviously doesn't think it is sufficient because that is followed up with yet another, "why?"

Example:

Mommy: "Look B, a train!"  

B: "Why?"  Mommy: "It is going home for the day."  

B: "Why?"  Mommy:  "Because they are all done working so they are going home."  

B: "Why?" Mommy: "Because that is how they go to work and go home from work, just like Dadda.  Dadda rides the train."

B: "Why?" Mommy: "It is transportation - can you say that?" B: "tan-postation.  Why?"  

Mommy: "Transportation is how we get from one place to another.  We ride in the stroller, in Mommy's car, on a bus, truck, airplane, and train - they are all examples of transportation."

B: "Why?"  

Mommy: "Look a squirrel!"  B: "Why?"

....  I give up....  

It is his response to everything!  We are working on potty training so we are discussing the difference between boys and girls...  oh geez.  That is fun to have "why" after every explanation about the gender difference....  Can you imagine?  

Even now when I tell him "No" to something or tell him it is time for a bath, or to put on his shoes on,  or wipe his face - "why?".  

It's a good thing he is so cute! ;)

Painfully Aching... {finding calm along the shore line}

I have this dream of living by the beach someday, sooner rather than later...  but I would take later over never.  

I see everyone going on vacation and some of the photographers I follow have been posting photo sessions from the beach.  Uh, I painfully ache to be there.  There is a calm that comes over me.  My worries rush away with the waves leaving the shore.  The vastness of the ocean makes me feel small, and makes my worries seem like nothing.  So, now starts my beach fund - I should have planned ahead and started it this winter but, that's ok.  I will start now - and I can be very frugal.  Our vacation doesn't have to be elaborate - just Me, B and the ocean.  

The Outer Banks is where Brayden put his toes in the sand for the first time, at about 8 months old.  Most mornings, He would wake up early so I seized the opportunity.  We wandered outside and watched the sunrise and played in the sand while most of the world slept, missing the beauty that we were experiencing.  Brayden doesn't remember that, but I want him to experience that beauty and that calm of the ocean.  I want us to pick a new place along the ocean to visit every year.  Some where new with different people, store fronts, and restaurants - but the same big ocean.  He is at such a fun age - I know he and I would have a blast.  I give it about 10 more years (if I am lucky) that he will still like to hang out with me.  Come those teenage years, he will think I am totally lame and will be embarrassed to be seen with me.  So, I need to take advantage now.  Soak up the fun before this time is gone.

So the saving and searching begins for our calm along the shore line.  

Any recommendations?  Where are you traveling this summer?  

Happy Friday!  Have a fabulous weekend!

Hand Prints and Oreos

I got an early Mother's Day gift when I dropped Brayden off at school today: 

Yup. I cried.  - I didn't even read it there, I didn't want everyone to see my tears.  The hand prints was all it took.  I closed up the card.   I waited until I got to work to read it.  I cried silently in my cubical as I touched is little hand prints and read the words "... But everyday I'm growing and soon I'll be so tall that all those hand prints will be hard to recall.  So here's my special handprint, made in my own way, just so you can remember how it looked on Mother's Day.  I love you Mommy!"  

I know Brayden doesn't really understand the gift - or how so very special it is.  Someday he will when I am pulling it out 30 years from now and showing it to his little ones "...and here is your Daddy's hand prints.  Yes, he did use to be that tiny!" 

Brayden did the cutest thing on Monday - and I am reminded every morning when I look on my kitchen counter.  I have a half eaten Oreo sitting there.  I can't bring myself to throw it away.  On Monday, B and his Dad hung out so he could have a transition day after vacation in VA.  But, he also had to go to the doctor because he is sick, again...  So, they pick me up from work.  I jump in the truck and immediately turn to greet my little man in the back seat.  He holds his hand out and says "here Mommy!"  He was beaming ear to ear, lips covered in Oreo cookie.  Mike explained, "He wanted to bring a cookie for you, but he couldn't take it - He had to eat the center out."  So, in my hand I held each end of the oreo cookie, with no center.  And B, he was SO excited to give me that cookie.  And he said, "Eat it!"  I smiled and pretended to eat the cookie.  I am not stranger to finishing his half eaten food - but this one, I couldn't do it.   It was the only evidence of this moment, the gift from my little man.  This memory of the entire moment that I don't want to let go of.  So, I guess until it turns green - I get to relive that memory every morning when I go in to make my coffee.  

Brayden - I know this is Mother's Day weekend, and the intention is to celebrate all of the Mommies. But, I wouldn't be the person I am or a Mommy without you!  Thank you for being the happiest, warmest, sweetest, sincerest part of my everyday.  

You are my heart. 

   

My Compass

Brayden got home last night!  :)  The excitement and anticipation of knowing he was only miles away was exhausting.  I kept calling and asking, "Where are you now?"  "How much longer?"  "How is he doing?"  "Does he remember me?"  - I am sure Mike wasn't annoyed at all! :) 

But then it was time, I saw the truck pull up...   I went running down the stairs and out the door like a track star!  I scooped him up and kissed him a 1000 times! He looked at me in the eyes with a half delirious smile, and then gave me a big hug.  It was great.  

We did all of the normal stuff - dinner, play with bugs and talk about dinosaurs, take a bath and get ready for bed.  But, last night I did everything with excitement.  I wasn't too busy for any of it.  It makes me sad for the days when I have been.  He seemed bigger, and talked differently - like he was older.  It is that daily progress of these little ones that you don't see through the daily grind.  It made me sad but also thankful for this opportunity for clarity and appreciation.  

As we were playing, Grammy had given him this candy dispenser / flashlight / compass (where do people think up these toys?) - Of course, he loved it!  I was pointing out the compass on the bottom of this interesting toy.  I said, "This is a compass.  It helps you so you don't get lost.  It shows you what direction you are going.  And, if you get lost, It will help you find your way back."  As the words were coming out of my mouth, I played with his hair and looked as beautiful excited eyes.  I thought to myself, he is my compass.  I live life in a different direction because of him.  And, he keeps me from getting lost. Without him for these 9 days - I was without direction.  And, my body could feel it.  I was lost.  Wandering around busy but never really knowing what to do.  I was just fumbling around, not sure what to do next or which turn to take. The moment I picked him up - my body relaxed for the first time in 9 days.  I was back on course and with direction.  Back to life,... with my compass. 

'Becoming-a-big-boy' Days

I read a post by Amy Kolz on Wednesday - holy tears.  Check it out: 'I gotchu'.  It left me thinking about me and B, sadly missing my little man.  He is visiting family in Virginia - I wrote about it, My Heart is in Virginia.  

It brought me back to my stroller days, struggling and juggling more than I could carry or manoeuvre but as a Mom, you manage, always.  It's a job requirement.  I thought about B being little enough for me to push in a stroller.  He doesn't want that any more.  He wants to walk (or run) every where we go.  Insisting always on "NeNe do it".  He wants to climb into the carseat and clip the straps together, unaided.  He doesn't want my help.  So, I patiently smile and let his little fingers fumble and eventually get it lined up just right - then he will let me help (just a little) give a light push to make sure it snaps in place.  Then we celebrate his independence, "What a big boy! You did it all by yourself!"  All while my heart aches at the time passing by too quickly.  

Brayden is two and a half now.  He is intentionally and sincerely more affectionate.  He will say he loves you, without you saying it first.  He is always asking me if I am ok, "K Mommy? You K Mommy?"  Always making sure that I am not struggling or hurting, be it carrying in a ton of groceries or if I stub my toe or bump my knee.  He is always there with that perfect little smile and a kiss for my boo boo.  So as much as I miss my little baby and my stroller days,  I love this becoming-a-big-boy time too.  He is always close by for a hug around my knees and a smooch on the lips.  I know that those moments will pass too quickly - I don't even want to think about him being a teenager...  So, I may try to make him stop growing right where he is...  Can I do that??  ;)

This week, I have had more freedom and time then I could ever know what to do with - and I don't like it.  For all of the challenges that come with being a parent, especially a single parent, there are 1000 times more rewards.  I wouldn't trade seeing that smile everyday for all of the free time in the world. Never. Ever.

Only a few more days before he is back at my side, and I can't wait.  But, he is having so much fun.  See the pictures below that his Dad sent me (he is really good about that - I still get to see all of the fun he is having). 

My Heart is in Virginia

My little Man is visiting family in Virginia (tear).  I don't even know what to do.  I catch myself wanting to do the things as if he were here - pointing at trains, playing the drums in the car singing to our favorite songs, pointing out airplanes in the sky and cows in pastures...  Constantly checking for the little man in my rear view mirror.  I can't even type this out without crying.  I will say, I enjoyed a full nights rest without interruption and took an extra long shower with loud music.  That was nice.  However, I miss the little booger interrupting my shower asking for a cookie (for breakfast) and dinosaur cartoons.   I love to hear his little feet hit the floor and coming running down the hall to th bathroom in the morning.  I love seeing that sleepy smile.  I love the conversation we have every morning while getting dressed, he says "Mommy go to work.  NeNe go to school (sad face).  See Miss Megan (happy face)?! - that's his teacher, he loves her! I miss the way my heart aches when I drop him off.  And I miss the excitement on his face (and on mine) when he comes running to me when I pick him up.  

I find comfort knowing how much fun he is going to have.  His Grammy is excited beyond words.  He and Grammy have a special bond.  In the Shenandoah Valley, the upcoming week is bigger than Christmas.  It is the Apple Blossom Festival.  It is a week long celebration full of music, food, festivities, and a sea of green and pink.  I am excited that Brayden will have that to look forward to every year.  Virginia will always be a special place to him, he has roots there.  And, as much as my roots are in Illinois - part of my heart will always be among the Blue Ridge Mountains. 

I have some fun stuff happening this weekend!  Garage Sales - YES!  It is that time of year and I can't wait - hoping to find some new treasures.  I am working on a China Cabinet this weekend - fingers crossed and I can get it done by Sunday.   I also have my brothers prom so I get to take some fun and pretty pictures of them AND a 3 month new baby to capture!  I plan out every minute of these upcoming days to keep me busy - otherwise, I sulk in bed watching home movies with a bag of peanut better M&M's and a box of tissues. I am sure next week there will be a 'bad day' post about missing my little man...  But, I will push through - keeping busy and getting a lot done.  I can't wait to share my new projects!

The little engine that can...

I have a wonderful life.  We all do.  I know I have been blessed.  I think of those I love who have really been faced with trials.  The really hard life stuff.  Sick babies, sick children, death of family and friends, loss of jobs and homes.  I have my life intertwined with those who have the tough stuff.  And sometimes, when I think of the challenges I have been faced with I know it doesn't even scrape the surface of what challenges others have gone through.  And those, they are so strong.  They transcend. Forever changed.  

I suppose that's all life is.  Every path is different.  For each person who walks their own, it presents its own challenges.  It isn't fair to compare because theirs is theirs and yours is yours.  Each is difficult in its own right.  It is the outlook you choose along the way.  

 My Mom gave me a big compliment the other day.  She said "You are the engine."  WOW!  I had never thought of myself that way - I love it!  That has been stuck in my head and I just think it was so accurate. Well, even though I am sure she meant it as a compliment - it could be taken two ways.  The good:  You drive.  You push.  You pull.  You are the force the keeps chugging no matter how heavy the load.  You don't stop.  Then, maybe the not so good...  I don't slow.  I enjoy the view, but at a fast pace.  My head spinning as the scene passes me by.  I don't smell the roses.  And, I may run over things that get in my way....  eek...  that sounds really bad.  But, sometimes the truth is brutal.  I have always thought that a sure way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't, because I know I can.  I will find a way.  Life has been good to me.  But, as life will have it, it isn't without its curve balls.  And that is ok, because that is what life is about.  The twists and turns and the unexpected.  Some are blessings because they are gifts and the others are blessing because they are life lessons.  Stumbling, tripping, falling - but always getting back up, stronger and wiser  than before. Max, Me, and B - watching the trains pass :) Through and through, I chug along (maybe mumbling and grumbling along the way) but I will get there.  Some days I win.  Some days life gets the better of me.  But, I am working always on the balance.  

Can I be a slow engine?  One that is always moving but not too fast??  Can I be the focused engine, passionately driven to catch professional goals?  Then when it comes to the every day, Can I be the mom and son waving and clapping from the park at the train rushing by?  Can you have both?  Is there a balance?  Maybe this is a working Mom theme / conflict?  I don't know... Something to work towards, I guess :)