beyond contentment

I reference Mark and Angel often on here.  I find their writing and insight thought provoking and attitude altering.  Today's post is 6 Reasons Someone Wishes They Were You.  Go read it (after this one of course). 

Before I blog, I often mull a topic over for a few days.  I get the premise of what I want it to say and I visually type it out in my mind.  I have been thinking for a few days about my own happiness and my own contentment in the day to day.  It is interesting to me that a year ago, my life was in a completely different place.  It was without John and the comforts of his companionship, but I was happy and content with where my life was.  I was evolving into a person that was learning the comforts of my own skin.  I didn't have everything that I wanted, but I absolutely had everything I needed - our basic needs were met: work, apartment, food, entertainment, photography...  Most importantly, I had Brayden and our health.  Now, in this short time, our lives have had a major shift - and it hasn't always been easy - but we are so happy.  

We are planning this wedding - oh my, what an exciting, frustrating, time consuming, costly, momentous event this is.  I love it and curse it all in the same breathe.  A friend said to me the other day that I will miss the planning...  I told her she was nuts.  But, I assume she is right.  She has been there before - maybe there will be some parts of me that will miss the excitement and the nerves of planning for the event that puts us on the course of 'for the rest of our lives.'  John and I explore buying a home where we will start our family, and we dream about that growing family - picking names for both boys and girls, and how their name and their being will carry on parts of our history.  In the today, I could easily say we are content with our lives, but it is much more than that.  I feel we are far beyond contentment.  We are so blessed with our everyday life.  Sure, more money and a bigger house would be fantastic.  But, we are comfortable - we both work really hard to provide for our everyday and we save for what we want for the future.  We dream.  We dream near and distant futures.  I dream big, John dreams realistically.  I know exactly what I want to be doing by the time I am 55.  There are many, many things that need to happen in these 25 years but I believe no matter what course we take we will end up at one single all-encompassing destination, happiness.  

Speaking of happiness, look at the source of mine.  

This happiness, it reaches far beyond the depths of my soul.  I now know that I always dreamed of this little man - even in my younger days when I said I didn't even want kids.  I think I always knew that I did.  I think I always knew that someday, God would give me Brayden.  In Brayden, I found the true meaning of love and happiness, in responsibility and work.  I learned how to live life because I had to live it for him, with him.  I got to spend one of these recent few sunny beautiful days with him.  We planted flowers, played in the yard, hung a bird feeder, and practiced being ninjas and superheros.  I laugh at the conversations I have with this little man.  He loved planting flowers.  Without prompting, he knew exactly what these plants needed.  He said to me (as we were getting ready to transfer them from one container to the next) "these flowers will be so happy in their new home.  Now all they need is love....  and water."  I stand smiling, nearly crying.  Where?... How?... When did he become so smart, and grown up?  His intelligence far exceeds his age.  He is right.  It is what we all need.  A place to feel at home and a little love...  and water too :)  

In this life we lead, be more than content.  Thrive.  Live on the thrill of the little feet we chase and the noses and bottoms we wipe.  Breath in the air, rainy or sunny - they each have their own distinct beauty.  Learn from the past. dream for the future. live for today - beyond the contentment.  Live and love with excitement, like a 3 year old :)

Extraordinary Everyday Life

Extraordinary Everyday Life.  

That is my 'subheading' for my website.  This whole photography thing happened in like 1 day, literally.  I mulled it over for years - but, one day I just did it.  I bought the name, bought the website and started putting it together.  

Title: Life, Love & Lemons.  

Subheading: ... subheading?  like a slogan?  motto?  Heck, I don't know!   I thought for a minute what I wanted to capture through my photography - for the lives of those I am photographing - and, what I wanted 'represented' in my blog.  That phrase came poring through - I typed it out - without revision.  It's perfect.  It really encompasses my today and the trajectory of what I want life to feel like, forever -  in my personal life and through my photographs.  I want them to feel the emotion.  Feel the moment.  Feel the extraordinary.

Everyone has an extraordinary life.  We all do, in our own right.  We choose how to live it.  How to run it.  How to own it.  How to make it ours.  We create a life on what we dream and what we believe.  We also know that life doesn't always take the same route we dreamed it would.  But it is ours.  

The dreams and evolution of my own life has shifted more times then I can hardly remember - and, it's only been 30 years.  I can't even imagine where I will be in the next 30, but I am ready.  I am excited.  I am comfortable.  I know that some of it I will create.  I will work hard on developing, cultivating, nurturing the life I want for myself and my family.  I am also comfortable knowing that my dreams are broad enough that they can shift with life because life requires flexibility.  I am comfortable with knowing that my dreams may change with the obstacles that are pressed upon us.  Changes aren't always easy.  Sometimes that learning and shifting and changing produces a curve.  These learning curves vary in height, width, and dimension.  Some are long and slow and others, they resemble more of an acute triangle then ever a bell curve.  But that is life.  What we do with it is what makes each of us unique.

A decade ago I was different.  A decade ago I was lost.  Ambitions to take on anything - but I had no direction.  So, I went in many different directions.  I love the quote, "not all who wonder are lost."  However, I was, admittedly, lost.  I don't regret those days.  All life experiences give the opportunity to keep trudging down a path that we know will show great rewards.  We know because we can feel it.  Then there are paths we start down, and realize, it isn't for us.  It isn't the succession to failure - it is recognition of what we don't want.  I have had lots of opportunities of recognition :)  They make me smile, now.  They have shaped me.  They have changed me, for the better. 

A glimpse into my life doesn't look like much.  But, simple loving nights make it extraordinary, to me.  Last night, I wasn't feeling well.  John left his night class to come home and take care of Brayden.  We all laid in bed.  John tired from a long day.  We just sat.  Messy house.  Nothing packed or prepared for tomorrow.  Dishes not done - and something from the freezer for dinner.   Laundry piling.  We sat exhausted - but not defeated - the opposite really.  We relished in the simple.  Cartoons on the TV.  An online final for John (I help because I miss being in school).  Some where, some how, Brayden found lotion and decided he needed to lather up after his bath.  Then I persuaded him to put lotion on my legs and feet (what a good husband he will be some day).  That lead me to a story of my Grandpa Knute.  John and Brayden never had the privilege to know him - but, he was a great man.  An Extraordinary Man.  I told Brayden that I use to put lotion on my Grandpa's feet and color his toe nails with crayons...  And even do his hair.  I can still picture it.  I can still feel the happiness from those memories.  This lead into a discussion about where my Grandpa was and Brayden wanted to know how he could talk to him.  So, I explained the best I could.  "Grandpa Knute is with God.  We can't see him or hear him but he is always around and we can talk to him whenever we want.  Just like God."  Surprisingly, and not typical, Brayden didn't ask any more questions after that.  I usually hear "why?" at least fifteen times when I am explaining something.  I am happy that he was content with my answer.  Then, we went and got crayons and markers so he could color my toenails...  that lead to coloring my feet too.  All while we laid in bed.  I couldn't have planned a more perfect night.

While creating and living this life, people don't always get me.  Some people don't really know me - some think they do and some could give a hoot.  Very few really know me.  John does.  Brayden does.  There are a few others that get me and accept me - and there are a few who don't get me, but love me anyway.  And really, that is all I need.  I have comfort and contentment in my own life, in my own skin.  The decade ago Megan cared what people 'thought' of me.  The older Megan chooses to live life more consciously and purposefully. I am driven, ambitious, and loving - but perfectly imperfect and flawed in all the ways that make me, Me.   I am who I am.  Take me or leave me, I live this life for me.  For Brayden.  For John.  It isn't perfect, but it is ours.  We live our everyday life, extraordinarily.  

You should too :) Own it.  Live it.  Love it.  Extraordinarily.  

refuse to sink

Today is met with so many emotions.  

I cried on my way to work today.  But, they were happy tears.  It felt so good to have a shift of emotions.  I have been waiting for weeks for this shift to come.  I knew it would.  It always does.  Sometimes the wait is longer then others.  

Today, we slept in.  I am blessed by a great employer.  I have a flexible schedule and he is very understanding of this kinda crazy life I lead.  

We got our break from the bitter cold today.  Today is sunshine and birds singing - and with the glistening of the snow really creates this amazing beauty that warms my heart - and for a few days of the winter season, I am thankful for the climate that I live in.  

On the drive in, Brayden was full of questions.  And these questions, like most, make me smile in amazement of what he is learning.  He asks so many questions.  But, not just "Why?"  Today, out of the blue he stated "Lighting hurts people and things,"  I said, "Yes it can, but it is just part of nature."  You can anticipate what the next questions was....  "What's nature?"  So, I think for a minute....  "It is the sky, clouds, sun, rain, ground, trees, wind, air..."  I pause, waiting for the next question.  "What does the rain do?"  "Rain is very important.  It feeds the ground and everything that grows: trees, corn, beans, grass, flowers..."  I pause again, I know there is another question coming.  "What's the sun do?"  I smile, loving the sequence of his questions - because they all impact one another.  "The sun and rain work together.  The sun helps everything grow too.  All of the plants and animals need the sun and rain."  And then, brilliant little Brayden says, "Us too!"  "Yup, that's right!  Us too!! The sun and rain are very important"  I reply.  Then, the topper, "cars are important too!"  

I love that kid. 

I realized a few days ago on my way back to the studio, after multiple nights of being there, after many weekends spent planning, organizing, painting, designing, preparing, list making.  I was talking to God and to myself trying to find the calm among the chaos.  I told myself, I just need to get through the next month.  I just need to make it through this and then it will calm down.  Then, it hit me, I always say that.  I pray for the strength to make it from one moment to the next.  Pray to just let me survive this phase.  And then, I believe it was God responding, Why do you do that?  I always tell myself, I just need to make it through this.  Get through this moment and then I can enjoy the next.  Why can't I enjoy the moment I am in?  I need to enjoy the process.  I often look back at the roads I have traveled.  While traveling them, they felt rough.  Somedays were hard to put one foot in front of the other, but I did it.  I look back and I am proud of my travels.  I am proud of my lessons.  I have learned.  I have grown.  I have experienced life.  And, I have some good memories from the traveling.  

I forget that during my current travels.  I focus on the "what if's".  I obsess about just surviving instead of thriving.  There are days that feel like I am drowning in everything that needs to be done.  My mom calls them 'self inflicted' tasks.  And she is right - I know only one speed and that is being busy.  I work best under pressure - I just don't always seem to enjoy the pressure.  At some point, there comes a moment of clarity.  Something, or somebody, that exposes the many, many blessings in my life.  It is all I need to just stop for a minute.  I smile and give gratitude to the amazing life I lead.   And then I tell myself:

Just keep swimming

Enjoy the journey

Refuse to sink  

the good worries are still heavy

I have found it difficult to blog lately.  When really, I know it is what I need most.  It makes me feel better.  I am having a hard time celebrating life.  To be honest, I am struggling with making it much further than my bed.  I go to work, I do the errands, laundry, etc - but, my bed is my favorite place.  I am tired.  I feel like I am drowning in tasks.  And yet, even if 'free time' presents itself - I find something else that needs  to be done - or I go straight to bed.  I blame my exhaustion on the weather - I am ready for spring.

Most of my worries are good worries to have - they are the best kind, really.  And, I know that.  But, it is still weight.  It is still something to carry - we all have something, or many somethings.    

I am planning this wedding.  And by I, that is what it is.   John just wants what I want, he just wants me to be happy - and sometimes, I just want him to tell me what I want, so I don't have to decide.   We are just over 5 months to the wedding and we don't have a venue.  It has been narrowed down, but, they aren't what I want.  It's not what I see in my mind.  The wedding planning is becoming consuming - and, it isn't how I wanted it to be.  I wanted simple - that doesn't necessarily translate to easy, but I have a vision of what I want it to look like and feel like.  It is hard to choose a place that will never be what I actually wanted.  I am refusing to choose a photographer.  I keep thinking someone will magically appear that I can trust and have confidence in taking the pictures I know I would take.  I want the real emotions.  I want the 'feelings' felt through the pictures - not just pretty poses.  I have pushed it off so far that I may in fact reach difficulty finding a good photographer, that is still within my budget.  Budget - is such a daunting word.  I am plagued with visions of dollar signs.  Everything is so damn expensive.    When it's all said and done, I know it will come together, and I know we will love it.  Not because of the venue, the food, the table settings, decorations, or music but because it is about Me, John and Brayden.  I have to find that as my center again, like how I started out.  

I got bad news on Sunday.  This is one of the worries that isn't good.  My Grandma has been sick.  She had surgery.  We all thought the surgery would create time.  Well, more tests and doctor visits, and we still are in the same place - worrying about what time will be available for her, and for us.  I want her here for August.  You see, the wedding date is August 10th.  It isn't just any date.  It is the Anniversary of Knute and Florence Gudmunson, back many years ago.  It also became the anniversary of John and Margo Gudmunson, my dad and mom - and Marcy and Alan Kinney, my sister and brother-in-law.  Grandma needs to be there - she is the tethering of the many branches that makes us family.  

Brayden, my sweet and sassy little guy, drives me crazy!  I have so much Mommy guilt, like most of us struggle with I am sure.  I am always wondering if I am doing everything I can, and doing it right.  He has a lot of schedule changes between our work schedules and the every other weekend shifts and daycares that prove to be disappointing and frustrating.  I worry about Brayden.  He has bad days....  he has bad weeks.  All I think is I am screwing him up.  I need to remember that he is entitled to a bad day.  He is entitled to try to push his limits because, he is 3 and he is learning what those limits are.  And, it is my job as a parent to let him know there are boundaries.  I get the saying now, "this hurts me more than it hurts you".  It is hard to be the boundary setter, but it is a parental requirement. I know he is happy.  I know it.  I just have to smile and laugh through the not so happy, sassy, snotty nose, "I don't want to share", "I don't want to eat my peas I just want a cookie" days.  They are going to happen, inevitably - and it isn't because I am doing it wrong - it is because Brayden is being a 3 year old.  Even though he has the ability to frustrate me beyond belief, I love him more than measure and he is the happiest part of my life. 

(here is a snippet of our weekend, it was a really great weekend.  We needed it because it was a really hard week):

with his cousins: picture by Aunt KimAren't they cute?! photo by Aunt Kim

The Store and Studio:  It is exciting - but a TON of work.  There are so many small details that need to come together to make it complete.  We are almost there....  This weekend will be like a marathon to wrap it all up.  These were taken when it was kinda put together, before it got torn apart last weekend.  I still don't know what it will look like when I am done! 

little wins, one day at a time

January was a big month for us.  They are little milestones, with big meaning. 

In October and November (and December) I was really struggling with Brayden.  He is a fantastic little man - and most often, the light of my life.  But, there are days when I ask myself how I will make it through the end of the day without committing myself to an institution.  Understandably, Brayden experienced lots of changes in a very short time frame.  He moved into a new home.  He started a new daycare.  His Dad moved into a new home.  He spent long periods of time in Virginia.  We tried potty training - my goal was to have it done by the time he turned 3.  That is hard.  That is a trying time - for the toddler and his parents.  Also during that time, I was really busy with my 9-5 job, and super super busy with photography.  I was one fuse shy of blowing up.   That is also during the time when I wrote, "they come and they go".  I reread that yesterday, and I smiled knowing that those days have passed, for now :) 

During the counseling with my Mom, I cried.  I told her I was struggling with Brayden.  Age 3 is so much harder then the so called "terrible two's".  Two was a cake walk.  Three is tantrums and talking back and refusing to eat, sleep, and poop (literally).  I wanted 3 things from Brayden this year - in all of 2013. If we can over come these, I will be a content parent: 1. Poop on the potty 2. Eat (try) the food that is put in front of him 3. Sleep in his bed.  To date, he is doing exceptionally well with two of them.  I can happily say, we broke him of the phobia of pooping on the potty.  It took a little nudity, tough love, and some bribery but we made it through.  He still gets nervous about it but he hasn't had an accident in two weeks.  To me, that is success! He is also eating the dinner we eat.  Brayden has been a picky eater - and I, a tired single mom, gave into him.  I created the little picky monster - and, it has been hard breaking through the 2 years of me giving in.  But, we are doing it.  Together, at the kitchen table we all sit and eat the same meal.  It doesn't sound like a big deal - but, it is.  I wish it were a little quieter, with a little less protesting and less demands from me.  But, we are doing it.  It isn't perfect and we still have lots of room for improvement but, I will take the little wins, one day at a time. 

Can you guess the battle I have not yet conquered?

(don't you just love his shirt?!?!)

Yes, he is still sleeping in my bed.  It hasn't always been this way.  There was a time when he slept in his crib - through the night, happily.  But, he developed allergies, and sleeping through the night was rare.  Sleep deprivation is horrible.  All Moms know.  He would wake up every other hour.  Back then I didn't know why.  After a year of investigating and constantly going to the doctor, we finally figured it out.  He was never healthy.  The poor kid felt miserable.   I don't blame him for wanting the comforts of his Mom.  And, I don't blame me either.  I was tired.  Even with him in my bed, I never slept through the night, because he never did.  But, it was easier to fall back asleep - for both of us.  So, I will give it some more time to bask in the glories of our little wins.  I will continue one day at a time to build on the achievements he is making.   Hopefully, by summer, I can write that we have successfully over come the 'in mommy's bed sleep-overs'.  Until then, I will keep snuggling the little guy - who is growing bigger every day.  Because, I really don't mind all that much.  I know there will come a time and he will be in his bed.  Until then, I am ok sharing.

Another little win, I celebrated with John as he watched me do my daily count of viewers to my website, I had a record breaking month in January.   I made a goal to break 600 - and by January 31st, I had 765!!  Some bloggers/ photographers can get that in a day - and some, in an hour.  But, for this small town farm girl, I will take that little win.  One day at a time, I will reach new people and hopefully I can snag them to keep coming back - and maybe give me the opportunity to photograph a few of their little wins.  

Thank you for all of those who read.  You are more than a number.  You keep me passionate.  You keep me inspired. 

Happy Friday and have a wonderful weekend!  I am gone next week for a training course for my 9-5'er.  If I get a chance I will try to post some of my secret happenings from this weekend! 

stay together

Mornings are crazy busy.  Anyone with kids, no matter what the age, or if you work or stay at home, can testify that trying to get everyone out the door usually feels like a cluster of chaos.  

This morning I arrived at work at 7:39.  9 minutes late.  And for me, that is doing pretty darn good.  I told my self, if I had just not hit that snooze button I would have made it here on time.  Who created the 'snooze' button?  Worst idea EVER.  Anyway.  The morning unfolded as it always does.  An interrupted shower by a little guy that wants to spend extra time with his mom.  So, he gets in with me.  I really love my nice quiet hot showers, on the rare occasions that I get to experience them, but I love the interrupted ones too. After the shower,  Brayden sits naked (he loves being naked) watching cartoons just long enough for me to get dressed.  Then he gets shuffled downstairs for breakfast.  Today was apples and m&m pancakes (warmed-up) from Monday when they were made fresh - but, he doesn't mind, it's m&m's for breakfast.  I hurry to finish up.  Partially blow dry my hair, throw on some make-up and then it's his turn for clothes.  We wipe off the syrup stickiness, I feed him bites in between clothing items.  He gets his daily meds and a 2 minute warning for the cartoons.  I run bags and coffee out to the car, start it up and turn the heat on high.  I run back in and do a double check for anything I am forgetting.  We grab coats and we are out the door.   I get maybe 30 seconds (2 minutes if I am lucky) of regular music, mommy music, before Brayden makes the request to hear his music.  I swore my kids would NEVER listen to those goofy kid songs...  but, he loves them.  And, he looks adorable singing along.  So, I ask, " Which one?  Rum Sum Sum?  Monster? Honk Honk?"  Today was the Monster song, so we start to sing.  

Then, right in the middle of the song, Brayden breaks my heart.  He has been saying this phrase daily, for weeks now and every time he asks, my heart hurts.  I struggle with how to respond (seriously, I am open to suggestions on how to answer this question).  Brayden says,

"I want us to stay together."  

My usual response is, "We will all be together when I pick you up after work.  Then we will go home and see Jojo (I through Jojo the cat into anything and he is usually happy).  However, today he asked "Why can't we stay together?"  I said, "Mommy has to work.  I have to make money."  Then he asks, "What's money?"  I try a diversion of pointing out anything in the scenery - but, it didn't work.  "What's money?", he asks again.   "It's how we pay bills and buy groceries," I say.  "What's bills?" he asks.  Ugh. "Ummm, it is electricity and it's mommy's car...."  "What's electricity?"  oh my.  this is never going to end.   I am having flash backs from our trip home last night explaining fog.  I used words like precipitation and condensation - which is good, but I am not the best at explaining what those are....   Can I go home yet?  It isn't even 7:30 and my brain is fried.  At this point I turned up the 'clean-up' song and he was happy with that.  

"I want us to stay together" is a phrase that haunts me every morning.  I know that as soon has he wakes up this comment is going to come out of his mouth.  And, he gives me those sad brown eyes and it hurts, every day.  

Appropriately enough, I saw an article shared this morning about "What Not to Say to a Working Mom".  I laughed - but, it hurt too.  All of it being honestly true.  I work because I have too.  But, I also work because I like too.  I wish it meant that every minute we are together it is pure bliss, but it isn't.  There is a lot of yelling, sadly.  He is 3.  And I am tired.  But seriously, we are so happy.  Even with the chaos and negotiating bites of peas, we are happy.  Everyone has a different way of running their homes.  I believe it is hard to organize and balance everything that life throws our way but, we all do it.  Day in and day out - there may be the occasional yelling and tears but there is lots of laughter.  Lots of kissing and hugging.  And lots of "I love yous." At the end of the day, we are together - and that's what matters. 

Random-ness from the weekend

Everyday (ok, multiple times a day) I check the activity on my website.  I look to see how many unique viewers I have had, what they looked at, and how they navigated through my site.  I like to see how a person may have clicked from one thing to another.  It lets me follow them through what they read, how much, what tabs they clicked on, etc.  I do this almost obsessively.  I realized about 10 days ago that January had the potential to be a record breaking month for unique readers.  So, I made a goal that I would break my own record of 598 unique viewers from the month of November.   I had carefully planned out what I was going to blog about this week to ensure I got my numbers.   I was going to do a few sneak peaks of my potential wedding venue... but the appointment got cancelled due to weather.  AND, a peak at the store /  studio - but it wasn't done.   So today instead, I am sharing some pictures of Brayden.  Although my exciting plans for the weekend got cancelled,  I did get to spend extra time with this adorable little man.  So really, I think it worked out for the best!

 

Guess who is in the box?

...  Jojo, poor Jojo.  But, he loves her! 

...  And, she loves him.  

Today is like 60 degrees - yet, on Saturday we had snow...  But, it was nice enough to play outside.  Brayden loved it! 

Also, thanks to Pinterest and my post about chalk paint - I had traffic ALL weekend.  I broke my record without posting anything new!  665 and climbing.   Maybe I will aim to break the 700 mark!  

I have been painting for the past few weeks to get items into the store / studio!  I have 3 peices finished that I can't wait to share!  I had a good helper too! 

How was your weekend?  Any unplanned, fun activities that stumbled your way?  

my son-shine

Yesterday, Brayden and I (and of course Jojo) were getting ready to snuggle for a late afternoon nap.  He was winding down, not ready to close his eyes, and not realizing what I already knew, he was was ready for a nap.  He was in good spirits - and he probably could have gone without the nap, but I feared the monster that would appear in the early evening if he didn't get some rest.  So, we took our time snuggling and gigging.  

Brayden tells me at the most random moments, "I like you, Mommy!"  And, I am always a little taken back... "like?"  What's with that? Have I been demoted?"  Now I am use to it.   I just say "I like you too," or "well,... I LOVE you!"  Yesterday, after I replied with the "I love you" he said, "why?"  Again, taken back... and not knowing just what to say, or how to explain it, I fumbled and jumbled my words and came up with, "You are my son. You are my little boy.  You are my sunshine. I just do; that's why."  So, after we goofed for a little bit longer until he decided to finally close his eyes and his cute litle almost-a-snore crept in.  I laid there in the silence with my little boy wrapped in my arms and thought about it. I looked at him, still trying to answer the question that he has long forgotten he even asked. 

It isn't something I contemplate very often.  How do I explain love?   Especially to a 3 year old.  The love for him, or for John, or for our families.     I thought of all of the different adjectives that could be used to explain love.  Someday, this question will come up again, and I would like to be able to give an educated, sincere, thoughtful response.  

I laid there in silence, just watching him breathe.  I looked at his hands.  Those big hands.  They have been big since the day he was born - but, they are changing.  When they are chunky babies, they don't even appear to have knuckles - just dimples.  He still has those, but less apparent from when he was a baby.  He use to snuggle me and fit right into the crook of my arm.  Not anymore.  I use to tend to every whimper - Now, I wait until it sounds serious before I go running to check on him. He is growing.  Parenthood, love, gives us this incredible amount of satisfaction, yet longing to cling to moments that just wont stay just as they are.  Love pushes us, excitedly, to look forward to the someday, but at the very same time ache to hold the moment we are in.

 I decided:

1.  Love is a feeling.  Webster and Wikipedia can try to explain it all they want.  They could use all of the words in their dictionary and it wouldn't do it justice.  Love is felt.  Love is shown through commitment, honesty, dedication, respect, and sacrifice. 

2.  Brayden already knows.  That's why he tells me "Mommy, I like you" or "I just love you so much." 

We just feel it.  He to me, and me to him, and us to the world.  Love is felt. 

The sibling he doesn't have

Evenings are busy.  I pick Brayden up from daycare after work and there is dinner to be made, dishes, laundry, dinner to eat, baths, bills, organize for the next day, all to be done in 3 hours or less.  The list is never ending.  All while Brayden wants attention too.  So, I can never do anything for more then 5 minutes without interruption.  And it's ok.  But, I sometimes feel bad that he doesn't get the full attention from me because of my 'to-do' list and he doesn't have any siblings to play with.  

Then, we got Jojo, our new little kitty.  And now it is like, "Mom, who?"  All he wants is Jojo.  As soon as his eyes open in the morning, "Where's Jojo?"  When I pick him up from daycare, "Are we going to see Jojo?" As we are going to sleep "I want to snuggle Jojo!"  This poor cat probably cringes at the pitter patter of Brayden's little feet as he walks in the door.  She hides under the furniture... a lot.  But, he loves her.  They are best friends, for sure.  And, I can fold laundry without being pulled away, sometimes.  Now the interruption are "Jojo's under the couch, help me get her!"  And, I know Jojo doesn't always want to be found.  She is the sibling that Brayden doesn't have yet.  He occupies his time, his imagination, and his heart.  He really loves her.  We all do. 

(excuse the blurry cell pictures - I was worried I would miss the moment if I ran to et my camera)

 

Grizzley doesn't seem to mind her either! 

thirty-somethings

 blurry cell picture (last days of 29)On Saturday I said good-bye to my twenty-somethings, and hello to my thirties.  For a decade, I have been twenty-something.  Now, for the upcoming decade, I will be thrity-something.  Wow. It is a little unreal.  I haven't mastered my confident tone when I say outloud, "I am 30," but, I will.  I am proud of my age.  I do find it a little scary, that is pretty typical of change, I am mostly excited for what this new decade will bring into my life.  Lots of learning, love, and laughter - just like the past 30 years have already been. 

Twenties represent something very different then thirties.  Twenties is fun and provoked mischief, at least the first half was for me anyway.  After Brayden, I became the home body that I always knew I was.  I no longer thrived on the social activities but felt daily gratitude from surviving a baby and having a clean house.  And now to date, I still feel that way.  If I can make it through the day with no injuries or illnesses, a happy toddler, and a tidy house (most likely there is dust in the corners and toothpaste on the mirror) then I am satisfied. I am happy.

my little man

I feel as though there is a new chapter of my life that is beginning.  It isn't just because I am now 30.  It just so happens to be coinciding with new life events - getting married and making plans for a growing family and growing business.  All of which is exciting, and a little nerve wracking too.

 It feels a little like the first day of school.  There is some unknown territory - and a few new faces.  Schedules are different and lessons are harder - there is a lot to learn.  But, as the days come and go, the anxiety sways and comfort sinks in.  The day will come and it will feel like I have always been here, until, of course, I turn forty-something. Then the cycle will repeat, I assume.  

new years

I will be thirty-something for a while -  my confidence and my blessings will grow along with my age.  I can't wait!

We spent my birthday celebrating at an indoor water and amusement park.  Brayden had his cousin Maxine with him - they are besties (i love that).  It was fun to see them have fun - it isn't the most relaxing thing for parents to do - but, it is all made worth while to see that smile on our kids faces.  We got another complimentary upgraded room (just like our summer vacation) which was wonderful.  The kids enjoyed the whirlpool in the condo almost as much as they enjoyed the big pool! 

Celebrating 30 at Grizzly Jack's Grand Bear Lodge

video from Chris Bland - thanks Chris! 

2013 quickly approaching

The past 5 years have represented many changes in my life.  And, as life should have it, I know 2013 will be filled with many more.  Some that we can plan for, and some that we can't.  But, I am really looking forward to 2013. 

Just over a year ago - I started this photography journey.  It has been a excellent way for me to develop a different side of myself.  And with that, I stumbled into this writing that is turned into my own type of therapy.  I love writing.  I love sharing the challenges of parenting and living, and rejoicing in all of the everyday blessings that are so powerful.  It is the little things that make life worth living - they are why we do what we do.  We love and connect with people - our friends, families, strangers.  We share joy and sorrow - we empathize, together.  That is what makes us human.  I want to celebrate more of those connections. 

photo credit Chris Bland

This year, in the quickly approaching 2013, my focus is connecting.  I love the connection I have found from the past that has come to bless me this year, and every upcoming year for the rest of my life.  This is developing through my engagement and wedding planning...  but most importantly, life planning.  In my personal life, I get to share wedding planning and many, many more stories of my baby boy that is quickly turning into a little man.  

I love the connections I have made with new families and clients and I look forward to the many more that I will meet and the continued experiences I will get to share with the clients that call me to capture their life.  For Life, Love & Lemons Photography, I will be opening a studio!  It isn't all mine - I am sharing it with a wonderful and ambitious young lady, Abby,  that I happened to connect with through taking her family pictures.  She is opening a baby boutique, Knee High to a Grasshopper - and I will be sharing some space with her.  I am really looking forward to the expansion of my business and the many, many new faces I will meet along the way.  Click on the logo to take you to her FB business page - like and share! ;)

I will be selling some of my painted furniture within her store as well.  I am SO excited to be able to dedicate some time to this side of my creativity.  I have 6 pieces I am working on now for the store...  a few for sale and a few for display. 

My website.  I was ready for a face lift - so, I made a few changes to bring in the new year.  My Gallery has finally been updated!  It is great to say that I have been so busy that my gallery was not reflecting my most recent work.  And, now it does.  I still have some updating to do - but, I have started and feel proud to display all of my beautiful clients.  Same layout, but different, yet kindof the same color scheme.   And, the linen vintage fabric look is a great representation of another new avenue I am working into.... 

Vintage Rentals.  I don't know what this scope is totally yet, but I have a lot of old stuff.  And, I have an addiction to keep buying so - I thought I might as well rent it out!  I will have different pieces that can be rented for events: Parties, Baby and Bridal Showers, Weddings, etc.  A big investment I have been making is in China :) I have almost 250 complete table settings available for rent.  This will include silverware and napkins, dinner plates and salad bowls, teacups and dessert plates.  It is my newest love and addiction.  I will be working to get my own rental gallery online for viewing and rental.  The hard part is the name...  I want it to be connected to my lemon theme but still have a name for itself...  So, I will be kicking that around.  

This busy wonderful life never ceases to amaze me.  It is full of new exciting experiences, the planned and unplanned!  The best part is - I know that wherever I (we, John, Brayden, and I) end up - we are exactly where we are suppose to be.  There is always a plan that is bigger than our own, and I know there are great things in-store for us in 2013. 

Bring on the new and meaningful connections of 2013! May you all have a happy and safe New Years Eve and New Years Day.  God bless! 

surviving Christmas

I survived Christmas.  

I more than survived - I made the most of my first Christmas without Brayden.   I enjoyed my first Christmas with John.  

We woke early on Christmas - but laid around in the quiet.  I was suddenly struck by horror - I had forgotten my camera at his Grandma's house...  oh no!  John being the wonderful man that he is, thought it was just important to have...  not just blurry camera phone pictures - so, he went and got it, for us.  I stayed in bed and sipped on my coffee.  

It was different then the past 3 years - but, it was very pleasant.  We made our own fun - silly. goofy. lazy. All before the running around began from one family to the next.  

Here is a a glimpse of us more than surviving Christmas, but loving it. 

John LOVES Kentucky Wildcats - I bought us tickets to go to a game - he bought me Kentucky shirts...  not sure if they are really for me...  or for him!  (My Mom is a Duke fan and is NOT happy about this)!

I love clothes - John loves sports.  Our gifts received from the other defiantly reflect this theme!

Our other little roommates enjoyed Christmas at home with us too! Jojo is just like a kid - she doesn't care about any real gifts - she is perfectly content with a box and tissue paper. 

 

Brayden's Dad sent me a lot of pictures.  Cookies for Santa.  Food for the reindeer.  Lots of gifts under the tree.  He was beyond excited.  Beyond happy.  And, although my heart literally aches - I smile with tears because I know he is having so much fun - and, he is so loved.  It doesn't always seem fair - but, he is happy and that is really all that matters. 

Here he is at the end of his Virginia Christmas....  clearly he had no fun at all! ; )

I am still counting down...  3 more days...   

I hope you all enjoyed a wonderful and safe holiday as well! 

invest in love and happiness

Everyone deserves a day or two to disappear.  A day or two to sulk.  A day or two to feel sorry for yourself.  Life isn't always easy and at times it is hard to hold everything together.  Life these days are busy and full - and that can be a great thing - but, sometimes it is overwhelming too.  So, we should allow ourselves a small breakdown, and not feel bad about it.  Then, we need to get back up, wipe away the tears, brush it off and charge on. 

Last night after work, I walked in the door, dropped my bags, grabbed the cat and went directly up to bed.  And there, I sat for 3 hours.  Doing nothing.  I had no more tears.  I stared blankly at the TV and watched useless, yet very interesting shows.  I like the history channel - I  learned about JFK, the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Cold War, and the Berlin Wall.  Many details that I embarrassingly enough to admit, knew very little about.  I learned about JFK's contributions to our country and the world.  I listened about the Bermuda Triangle and the theories of it's destruction.  I watched a current day mummification - I thought that was cool (I am a science geek too).  

The world continues to spin even through my breakdowns.  So, at 9 o'clock I decided to shower and let it all go.  And I did.  Today is new.  

Us on Wednesday - home sickI reflect on my mood and behavior yesterday and I fight with the anger the wells up.   Having a split family is really hard.  It is harder then I could have ever imagined.  It is hard on both parents, from different angles - for different reasons.  None of which I am going to go into details on here - if you live it, you already know - and if you don't, you are lucky.  But, don't think I down play the efforts it takes to run a family unit, together.  It is really hard.  I commend all families of all types that do the day in and day out.  

It is the every day things that we don't see.  We loose touch with the significance and the beauty that is in a sleeping child, the laughter and love they show in the smallest way, and how quickly they learn and grow.  Someday, they will be us.  Us.  Our actions.  Our words.  Our outlook.  I pray that Brayden is different than me.  I pray that he is better than me.  I hope he exudes patience and optimism.  I hope he gives his time and talent and never expects anything in return.  But, in many ways, I pray he is just like me.  I pray he finds a passion and follows it.  I pray that he waits to find a perfect love.  A love that is built on friendship and mutual respect.  I hope he has determination in life and pushes to succeed, especially through the failures.  Through the failing, you learn far more lessons then succeeding. Failing keeps you pushing.  Keeps you driving.  Keeps the hunger for success alive.  If you always succeeded, what would you have left to do?  I hope he invests in love and happiness.  For him to do these things, I have to be the example.  I have to invest in love and happiness.  We all should. 

I haven't written much about my ongoing relationship with God and Church.  But, I am doing it - not perfect - but, I am better then I was a year ago.  I assume a year from now, I will be better then I am now.  A sermon the other Sunday still rings in my ears.  Treat everyone as you  want to be treated.  Invest in loving and respecting others, and they too will invest in loving and respecting others.  I am a work in progress.  I was very rude to a customer service person the other day - it wasn't his fault my order was wrong.  I have no excuse for being rude or impatient.  I don't want Brayden to pick those traits up from me.  I need to be better - little eyes are watching.  He is always watching and learning from me.  And, others do the same.  Love, Respect, Happiness resounds with everyone - doing onto them, will do onto others.  

So, as the new year approaches, I will begin my list.  It's a great time to reflect on the person I want to be and the example Brayden deserves.  Investing in love and happiness for him, for me, for everyone. 

no silver lining today

It started a few days ago - well, it actually started months ago.  Dreading the Christmas holiday.  How will I do it?  How will I function?  How will I celebrate this wonderful time of year when I feel absolute solitude?  How do I not ruin this for John, for us?  How do I make it be ok?

I was making plans with my family about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day...  Me?  No plans really.  No cookies or milk to set out for Santa, no reindeer food for his helpers.  I don't have any reason to wake up early.  No rush out of bed. No child excitement for the visitor that filled the stockings and ate all the cookies.  The only evidence of his visit are crumbs and gifts. Christmas morning will be quiet.  Too quiet.   

Today is bad.  Brayden leaves tomorrow.   Yesterday we were both home sick.  It was nice to be together even though we didn't feel well.   But, every time he acted out, and I got mad - I got extra mad at both of us.  Why are you (he or me) ruining our last day together?  Then, guilt today for not making more of yesterday.  I am angry.  I am sad.  All I can do is cry.

We have an early trip to the airport.  I get to drive them.  I talk to Brayden about all of the Christmas excitement - flying on the airplane  (he continues to call it a rocketship - and says he and Daddy are astronauts).  We talk about Santa coming to Grammy's house and seeing his cousins.  We talk about all of the fun he is going to have - and I say it with convincing enthusiasm.  And, I am happy for him.  I want him to have that time with his Dad and his Virginia family and friends.  It is a HUGE part of his life.  I am happy he has it.  But, I still feel bad for me.  I feel bad for us.  I feel bad that he is split.  And then, the knife to my heart when he says "Mommy is sad?"  And, he does it with true hurt feelings and concern.  I try my best not to cry.  I fight the tears.  Sometimes the tears win.  I say "yes, Mommy will miss you, but you are going to have so much fun!  I want you to have so much fun!"

I bought him one of those recordable Hallmark books.  You know, the one you record while reading the book.  The one I got is about why Rudolph is the most famous reindeer.   I gave it to Brayden last night - I want him to take it with him.  That way, we can still read books together even when we aren't together. We read it last night - 4 times.   I added extra words at the end of the book.  I say something like, "Merry Christmas Brayden! Mommy loves you and misses you so much!"  Every time he heard that part, he would cry.  And then, I would cry. Times 4.  

Typically, I like to have ' the silver lining' when I write.  It helps keep me positive.  Today is not one of those days.  I know there are plenty of 'silver linings' in this situation and in life in general.  But, somedays - the silver linings don't mean anything.  Somedays, it is the last thing you want to hear.  Somedays, crying is needed.  I pray for the end of the day, for bedtime. So I can sleep away the sadness.  I will look for the silver lining tomorrow. 

making cookies; making memories

I babysat my sister's 3 kids the other night.  4 kids under 1 roof is much different than 1 kid.  Brayden alone gets me frazzled.  I kept thinking, "oh my gosh, I am going to pull my hair out."   I waited for the chaos...  but it never happened.  Sure, there were a few fights over toys and few tears, but what is a good family night without the normal.  To be honest, I really enjoyed it.  They are all at such great ages - absolutely the most innocent, kind, caring, considerate little ones.  It was really fun - and, I need to make a point to do it more often.  They played, made cookies, bathed, watched movies - and laughed - a lot.  And, I did too. 

This was on Friday - I was still shaken from that days tragedy.  So, it could have contributed to the realness of that night.  I had Brayden and his cousins - and John (he's a teacher) all together.  all safe.  all happy.  

Thank you God for this extraordinary everyday life.  We are so blessed.  Thank you for the laughter, and tears.  The messy fingers and flour every where.  Thank you for the the simplest joy of making dinosaur cookies; and memories.  all together.  all safe.  all happy.

how it began {our story}

There is a story of a guy who claims to have had a crush on me since junior high.  I, of course, love to hear him tell the story of the boy with a crush on the girl that thought he was too shy. We were talking about this last night.  I have to admit, I get giggly like a school girl when he talks about the different times he noticed me, but he never approached me.  And this story would have stayed this way if it hadn't been for church and his Mom, Denise. 

Here is how the 'story of us' began:

I was making an effort to get into a routine of going to church on a regular basis.  I needed it back into my life.  I ran into Denise a few times at church.  I always make a point to say hello.  She has been a friend of Mom and Dad's forever.  And, she is very likeable, kind, considerate.  Approachable.  So, I would.  It has been like that since high school.  I would acknowledge Denise way before I would acknowledge John...  because he is shy and Denise is not.  :) 

So, this summer I saw her multiple times by coincidence, or so we think.  And then came a Tuesday, late afternoon.  I was coming out of my apartment juggling Brayden and a few presents for McKenna and Benson's Birthday Party.  I heard my name called from the street.  It was Denise.   We had another coincidental meeting that became intentional.  Denise was driving by and saw me.  So, she pulled over and came up to Brayden and I.  We had the usual chit chat, "Hi, how are you? How is work?, etc, etc." Then I could tell something was different.  She was nervous.  And, she was uncomfortable.  That was not typical.   Well, the next question that came out of her mouth was reason for her discomfort.  She was asking for my number, for John.  

So the story goes, as I am told by John, my name got brought up and Denise had mentioned that I wasn't dating anyone.  So, John asked her to get my number.  He thought maybe through a mutual friend, or my mom, or sister.  But, instead Denise saw me, so on that Tuesday in the parking lot she got my number scribbled onto a torn  bank deposit slip (it still hangs on the fridge at our house).  She asked me if I was dating anyone or interested in dating.  My response, "No, I am not dating anyone - and, I am not interested in dating any one.  I am so busy with Brayden and all of my projects I don't have the time. "  And frankly, I was exhausted with the efforts relationships take.  They are work.  And, I just didn't think I was any good at putting in the work they require.  So, I told Denise, "We can be social.  I know it is difficult meeting people out here.  So, here is my number.  Maybe we can hang out sometime. " I could tell Denise was happy to have the number and the uncomfortable situation over! I joke with John that had it been anyone one else but wonderful Denise, I wouldn't have given it out.  I gave my number for her, because how could I say 'no' to kind and sweet Denise. 

So, a few weeks later, we had our first date.  I of course needed a whole new outfit.  I straightened my hair.  I even wore jewelry.  We were going to grill out at his house.  Casual, yet comfortable.  I arrive all fancied up and he answers the door in shorts, t-shirt, and tennis shoes.  My face turned red.  1. Because I was too dressy for this grilling session and 2. I had forgotten how cute he was.

From that date on, I realized that shy guy had a nack for conversation.  We clicked and it worked.  We have been inseparable ever since. 

... all thanks to Denise :)

ketchup kisses and sticky claws {got my boy back}

I got my boy back :) 

Every trip Brayden takes to Virginia is painful.  I am happy for him.  Happy for the time he gets with his Dad and relatives in Virginia.  For me, it is paralyzing.  I feel very unlike myself.  Edgy and cranky.  I really find it hard to function.  And, there is the constant reminder when people ask "where's Brayden?"  And in that moment, my head hangs and everyone hears the same muffled response, "He is in Virginia."  If it is his cousins that ask, I try to sound chipper and happy.  But, sometimes, it is just hard to fake.  I know John wants to help lift me from my funk.  And, he tries.  Sometimes successful.  Sometimes not, at no fault of his.  

BUT, on Monday he came back to me! :) And, in that exact instant when I scoop him up, I feel like me again, whole to have my other half.  John immediately gets a picture of the two of us with the same text message "got my boy back".   I always take the following day off work so he can have a transition day and we can have some quality one-on-one time together.  We had such a wonderful day - completely ordinary - completely perfect.  We watched cartoons and danced the 'hot dog dance'.  We painted and snuggled.  We started our Christmas decorating.  Just Me and B.  

We played with his pet geckos.  They crawl up his arm and around his neck and he giggles.  I love that giggle.  We talked about their sticky claws that help them climb - up our arms, and up trees.  So, that became his obsession for the day (and now I assume for everyday for the next month).  He was a lizard with sticky claws.  All I can do is laugh.  He is so perfect.  He always seems older.  The time I miss he has already changed.  It is a reminder to cherish him just as he is, the constant on the go, stubborn, goofy, giggly, helpful, loving, wild all boy that he is.  

I tried to get some pictures of him.  Not groomed.  Just Brayden being Brayden.  Stained cheeks and lips from ketchup and hotdogs.  I beg for a still moment and a smile.  "Say Cheese!"  But, it isn't him.  He can't sit still long enough.  He is too busy roaring like a dinosaur, and crawling with his sticky claws.  

Brayden's sticky claws"Say Cheese!"

I am so thankful for his ketchup kisses and his sticky claws.  He makes life normal, and perfect. :)

I love our extraordinary everyday life. 

unpacking my bags

I read somewhere (probably on pinterest):

“Everyone you meet comes with baggage; find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.” Unknown

I joke about my baggage...  maybe I warn.  It allows me the opportunity to say 'I told you so', when life gets a little tough.  I have always tried to be very forthcoming about the challenges that I tote around with me.  Some of my baggage is perfectly cute. Seriously.  He is an almost 3 year old heart melter.  He doesn't do it to just me.  He melts hearts on the street, grocery store, gas station -  total strangers adore him.  He is so easy to love - and truly, I don't even consider him 'baggage'.  He is my life.  He is my everything.  I think that is where the challenge comes in.  Young (and by 'young' I mean new) relationships are supposed to be fun and relaxing and adventurous - spontaneous.  But, kids require routine and schedules - but, they also embody fun too (some times).  That aspect of dating is difficult.  There are far more rules when dating with children involved.  Entering into a relationship knowing that the love a parent feels for their child is unmatched.  It can't be copied, imitated, or duplicated (except by other children).  Someone entering into this life with me, has to have an understanding and respect that this love between a parent and child comes first, bar none.  I was so guarded about this practice, I made it difficult for someone to really come into this precious life that is "Megan and Brayden".  I really wondered if I had enough room to share it with someone else.  I spent many nights, the happy and the frustrating telling myself that this is just how it will be - just me and B.   Along with that thinking came a sense of peace.  Comfort, knowing the familiar.  It isn't always easy - but it is our normal.   I wrote about this 'singleness' in a previous post, single mom smiling.

Underneath my wonderful little life, I am a self proclaimed relationship challenge - Hard to love, comes to mind.   I am very particular about how and when things are done.  I like my towels folded a certain way.  I hate rhythmic noises during silence - it is like nails on a chalkboard.  I am short fused, and have a tongue that can strike - not mean, but to the point. I am stubborn and impossible to talk to when I am mad.  I require a minimum of 5 minutes defusing time - after that I am actually quite reasonable.  I have a memory like an elephant - I don't 'foget' things, and I bring them back to the surface during just the right occasion.  I require coffee in the morning to function.  And, I am a hoarder of all things old.

My heart has struggled with finding direction,  like wind required to sail.  But, when the wind and sail meet, a beautiful adventure can begin.  That's what this post is about.

It's about finding direction.

It's about finding happiness.

respect. love. gratitude. faith. sharing. growing. listening. believing. planning. learning. dreaming. 

living & loving.

It's about finding that person.  That one person,  from all that walk this planet, and sharing the rest of our lives together.

 I found him.  Mr. Just Right for Me.  The wind in my sail.  He was here all of my life.  

All.  My.  Life.

right here.  

John and I joke about all of the times we crossed paths, literally.  We would walk by one another, both to shy to say anything, to wave, to glance - curious, but not brave enough to be the first to make the acknowledgement of the other.  We were more comfortable with the updates from afar.  Annually, our Mom's go to lunch.  They come back with the update from the past year, and plans for the next.  Some ups, some downs in both of our lives.  The coincidences, similarities of each other is almost laughable.  My Mom would point out things we had in common.  Then, she would say, " Would you ever..." I would stop her before she could finish, "No Mom.  He is too shy."  And, that is where it would end, until, of course, next years lunch.  The story of how I changed my direction and we went out on our first date is perfect and adorable - and, I will save it for a later post.

Steve Jobs once said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.”  So, here we are, both 30 (he is, I am still 29 for a few more months).  Time is interesting.  We know that at any other point in our lives we wouldn't have worked.  We were meant to find each other at this exact moment in our lives.  The dots connected just as they should. We laugh about how happy we are.  Really laugh.  We can't hardly believe that life has given us something so beautiful.  Really beautiful.  It isn't perfect - but it is just how it is supposed to be: love, respect, and lots of laughing.  Outside of having Brayden, I realize what true happiness feels like.  Complete happiness that is without excuses.  Without exceptions.   Not a fairytale, but absolutely the life that I dreamed about finding.  We are learning a balance - and he predicts my moves.  He appreciates the challenges that I come with, he comes with his own - and I love him for those too.  

John has a lot of friends.  The same ones from grade school.  They all have each other's backs.  That is one very clear and strong trait of John's - he is a great friend.  And, he has shown me time and time again - he will be that to me.  I will be that to him. We are best friends. 

Here he was.  All my life. 

(my first Bears game)

I was congratulated by a friend the other day.  And, I was explaining all of the wedding details.  Which is surprising to me - I am not one of those.  I don't want the big fancy wedding.  And, I still don't. A cute little country wedding will do just fine for me.  More than the wedding, I am excited for the roots, as I explained to her.  To finally feel like my life isn't in a constant state of flux.  We have that together, the 3 of us.  We have started this foundation where we will build a life.  So, I am unpacking - We are unpacking, together. 

three grand essentials

Joseph Addison wrote:

 "three grand essentials to happiness in this life are

something to do,

something to love,

and something to hope for."

I have them all, and then some :)

Far from, but not yet

I was told the other day by a good friend, whom I respect very much, "You are not getting any younger.  You need to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life."

At first it bothered me, for two very obvious reasons:

1) Am I old?  - I didn't realize!  

2) Am I not fulfilling my life?  What is wrong with where I am at?

After pondering this statement for a while, I came to some very important conclusions.  First, I let what other people say and think get to me WAY to much.  And, I know my dear friend had the best intentions, and he was trying to inspire and motivate me, but  I am perfectly content right where I am.  For now.

I am a list maker.  I have lists and sticky notes, every where.  I have so many 'chores' to keep organized, not to mention just the ideas and dreams that rush through my head on a per minute basis.  I make these lists to keep me organized, to keep me focused.  I budget and plan out my tasks for the week.  And, If I accomplish half of what is on my list - and stay relatively close to my monthly budget, I am doing ok.

I have been applying that same principal to my life.  I use to plan, plan, plan exactly how my life was going to come together.  Instead, I watched my life unfold and fall apart.  I would pick it up and do it again, and the same life unraveling would happen.  As all of us have experienced, life happens.  More often then not, it doesn't go 'as planned'.  It is how we react and respond to those life happenings that actually change the outcome of our life.  It may not change what actually happens, but it impacts our perspective - and it impacts the lives of those who surround us.  So, I make mental notes of all of the things I want to do in my life; be it going back to school, a different career choice, places to travel, how many children I want to have, to crafts and food I want make.  If I can accomplish even half (maybe a quarter) of my long list, then I know I am doing ok.  

I can say, most often with a smile, This was not the plan :) My life, as I see it, is so much better then I could have ever listed out.  My life is unfolding as it should be.  And there are days when it seems to be far from perfect - when in actuality, every day that we are living is perfect.  Through cars that won't start, alarm clocks that got ignored, trains when we are already late, sick kids, grocery store tantrums, and bottomless piles of dirty clothes.  That is how I know what I have is perfect.  I know because running late means I have some where to be.  I am needed.  I have a turning 3 to quickly, healthy little man. I stress out about the occasional fever and ingrown toe nail - how lucky am I?  I am healthy.  I can walk, I can run, I can breath, I can see and I can hear.  I can experience life.  The good and the trying.  I get to live it.  I get to be present in it.  

"Far from what I once was, but not yet what I am going to be"

So, the statement / question that my friend posed doesn't bother me any more.  I know where I am supposed to be.  It is right where I am.  I know the direction I am headed, I walk it one step at a time.  The destination isn't determined because I may detour and end up somewhere perfectly unplanned, which to date is exactly how it has worked so far.  I am doing my best to live in the present and look forward to the future.  I know that whatever life gives me - We will make it the absolute best, because we decided to do so.