I had a blog started before some of the events that have taken place this week. I will post it next week, after some settling.
I make a point to not watch the news, or read the paper. It mortifies me beyond words for the world I am raising my child in. It scares me to bring any more into this world were there is evil, hate, and uncertainty. This has been a hard week for so many. And no matter the denial I am in, there is so many images and updates, there is no escaping it. From Boston to Texas to right here at home with the flooding. I have been fortunate to have had very little of that impact me directly - but my worrisome heart and mind can find no resolve. All I have is questions. All I can say is "why?" It is so far beyond my own comprehension why people make the choices that they do. It is so far from my mind the hate that is spewed out onto people who are good. We as a human race are not perfect - we were created that way. But, we were created with the ability to make choices, and like the majority of the world, we make mistakes but we still do a lot of good. We are surrounded by the good everyday, which makes the atrocities of this weeks events so hard to digest.
On top of the events from around our country - and I know the many more around the world that don't make it to our TV screens - I have my own turmoil. It has been yet another difficult week of co-parenting, as most weeks are. Then today at 9am eastern time, I sold my home in Virginia. In part, I see it as the final connection to Virginia and all of what and where my life changed. In so many ways, it was wonderful and beautiful - and then, there are just as many that are painful and sad. In that home I planned a future with the little bump in my belly. I dreamed of how our lives would unfold and the memories that would be made in the walls of that home, in that back yard, and on the beach of the lake. The lake was the deciding point - it was countless sand castles to be built and splashing in the water with the little wobbly baby legs. It was those visions that made that house my final choice - it was the visions of a home and a life - a future very different from the one I had been living, it was the start of my family. In that house, it held the room that was once painted light green. It held the perfectly organized clothes and baby items as I prepared for the dreams of the future and what represented the happiest shift of the rest of my life. Brayden never saw that little green room, it was painted over. I cried then, and still now. The house is gone and along with it all of those dreams that never became more that just a vision. I thought I would feel lighter when it was gone. But, today I am weighed down by all of the anger and the would-have-been's. Tomorrow I am sure will be better, but today I allow myself to morn the loss of that life. I believe it would not be nearly as difficult had the co-parenting relationship that I participate in were healthy, for Brayden and for us. Some days are just hard, when I feel like they shouldn't be. It seems that when people work for a common goal, it shouldn't be difficult. I guess the same could be said co-habitating on the same planet, and co-parenting. Love and happiness shouldn't be so difficult.
Amidst the sullen of this week, we know the sun will rise again tomorrow and I, we, us - will be given the opportunity to make choices, the good ones, that will keep us working towards the common goal of love and happiness so our kids can live beyond the worry and live in the light of the sun.
I pray God will help to lift us through these difficult times, for me - we - us, parents and humanity.